


we can be anything you want us to be...

by Pikajimin



Category: Block B, Monsta X, No.MERCY (TV), SEVENTEEN (Band), VIXX, Winner (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, M/M, OT7, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, unfinished work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:25:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5676061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikajimin/pseuds/Pikajimin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is some unfinished work that is just sitting on my thumb drive and so I decided to share. Yay!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're a cherry blossom, You're about to bloom

**Author's Note:**

> All of this is unfinished and I am lame.

         Hoseok stares at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes no longer has the shine that it used to. His eyes were dull. He lets his eyes wander down his face. There are dark circles under his eyes. His fingers trace down his face. His skin is rough. He opens the medicine cabinet and reaches for the unlabeled bottle of pills. He wants to swallow the whole bottle, dry. He second guesses himself and puts the bottle back. He knows better than to do it. He likes to pretend that he’s okay, but he’s not. He parades around campus with a friendly smile on his face. He has many friends, but no one to lean on. He debates on whether or not to talk to Namjoon about it. He reaches for his phone, but he can’t seem to push himself to call the younger male. His hands are shaking. He tosses the phone aside and collapses on the floor. He pulls his knees to his chest and holds them tightly. He wants to scream, but he can’t. His neighbor can hear everything due to the paper thin walls.

            A knock on the door interrupts his thoughts. He opens the door and it is his neighbor. He looks at him, but doesn’t say anything. His neighbor asks him if he heard him hammering the wall. Hoseok says no, but then again Hoseok was too lost in his thoughts to even hear anything around him. His neighbor asks him if there was a hole in his bedroom wall. Hoseok asks why. The blonde headed boy tells him that he was hanging up a painting, but as he was hammering the nail the wall started to cave. Hoseok invites him in. They walk to the bedroom and Hoseok takes the poster down and low and behold there is a hole in the wall. Hoseok tells him that it is not a big deal, that he’ll just hang the poster over it. The blonde tells him that he’ll fix it. Hoseok is left with his neighbor’s name and phone number.

            He doesn’t care about the hole in the wall. He walks to his room and puts the poster over the wall. He lays in bed and stares at the ceiling. He can hear his neighbor talking to someone on the phone, he guesses because he doesn’t hear anyone else in the room.

“It was an accident. I didn’t know that the walls were that crappy,” the blonde says.

“I told him that I would fix it, but he brushed me off. I left my name and number in case. I don’t know how to fix it, but I will find out how to,” he says.

            Hoseok hears him ramble on about something else and then tunes him out. He reaches for his earbuds and phone. He listens to his ‘Losing Control’ playlist. He certainly feels like he is losing control. He feels lost in this world. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. He doesn’t want to be here or anywhere else for that matter. He just feels there. He knows that he should tell someone, but he can’t. He doesn’t want people to worry about him. He wouldn’t know how to describe how he’s feeling anyway. He lets himself get lost in the acoustic music until Namjoon messages him and ask him if he wants to come over for drinks. He debates on whether rejecting the younger’s offer or not, but he goes anyway. He doesn’t want Namjoon to worry about him. He leaves his apartment and walks to Namjoon and Seokjin’s studio apartment a few blocks away. He arrives and knocks on the door. Seokjin opens the door and hugs him. Hoseok doesn’t get to see Seokjin often anymore. Hoseok feels a bit better, but not much.

“How are you?” Seokjin asks.

“I’m good, just busy with classes and such,” Hoseok lies.

“Just remember to take a break every now and then. Have some fun,” the elder states.

            Hoseok nods his head. Namjoon hands him a beer. He sips on the drink. It burns going down his throat, but it feels better than feeling nothing. He listens to Seokjin talk about work and his coworkers. He finishes his drink and tells them that he has to go home. Seokjin asks him to stay the night, but Hoseok declines his offer. He lies to the elder male and tell him that he has to finish some homework. He gets up to leave and Seokjin hugs him. Namjoon ruffles his hair. The elder male tells him to stay safe. And Hoseok knows that he can’t keep that promise.

            He leaves their place and walks back to his apartment. He slips his earbuds on and listens to music. He plays his Tablo playlist while walking back. He stops by the convenience store and buys a few packets of ramen. He walks to his apartment and up the stairs. He unlocks the door puts the bag on the counter. He heads back to his room and sits on the bed. He can hear noise coming from his neighbor. He shrugs it off and puts his earbuds in his ears. He listens to Nell and Tablo playlist mix. He doesn’t know how to feel. He is just here and that’s about it.


	2. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon has depression and Seokjin and Jungkook are the new neighbors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came from nowhere. I was feeling down, so I was like heck yeah lets write about my bias feeling down as well.

Namjoon Pt 1:

_“I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone, I long for that feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get the lower I sink. I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.”_

          Namjoon hates this feeling. (He’s not sure if it’s a feeling. It just stays there and lingers throughout body.) He feels hollowed out and emptied. He lays in bed and stares at the wall. His body aches. He doesn’t know why it aches, but it does. His mind is processing thoughts too fast for him to comprehend. He faintly hears rain hit the window.

He doesn’t know what to do anymore. He can’t remember the last time he had left his room or even left his house. He can’t remember the last he has properly showered. He doesn’t feel well enough to move. Sleep left him a long time ago. He’s only left with a couple hour naps and even then he’s still tired. He shifts so he’s staring at the ceiling. The ceiling used to have glow in the dark stars on it, but he no longer has them on the ceiling. He remembers putting the star stickers on there when he was little. No the ceiling is peeling. He can see little pieces ready to fall off. He understands the peeling paint. He feels that the paint was once whole, but now pieces of it goes missing every day. He knows that it’s a horrible metaphor, but it’s the only one he can relate to.

Namjoon is there, simply there. He doesn’t remember the last time breathing was easy. He now finds breathing difficult to do. He knows that breathing is the most natural thing to do, but to him it hurts. Namjoon silently prays to whichever god is listening to him, to make the emptiness leave.

He can’t remember what his own face looks like. He knows he’s lost weight. His clothes are loosely hanging off his tall and lanky frame. Even his sweat pants fall off his hips. He gave up on them. He has no one to see or anyone to see him. He can’t even step outside his house. He hears a knock on the front door. He’s too tired to even move. He waits for the person to leave, but they don’t stop knocking. He trudges out of bed, pulls on a pair of shorts and walks slowly to the door. He hesitates before unlocking the door.

Beyond the door, there are two guys standing at the door frame. Both males are tall, black haired, big eyed, and broad shouldered. “Hi, we moved in next door. I’m Seokjin and this is my younger brother Jungkook,” Seokjin states. Namjoon nods his head and stares at them. He should tell them his name, but he’s not sure his voice will work. It’s been a long time since he’s heard his own voice. “Does he know how to talk?” Jungkook whispers. Seokjin elbows Jungkook in the ribcage. “I’m so sorry! He’s not happy we moved!” Seokjin exclaims.

Namjoon shakes his head. Seokjin tells him that it’s nice to meet him. He nods his head and watches Seokjin drag Jungkook away. He faintly hears Seokjin lecturing the younger male. He closes the door and locks it. He pads back to his bedroom and lays in bed. He closes his eyes and hopes sleep will call his name ever so softly. Sleep doesn’t. It tells him to stay away for as long as possible. He listens because he’s never been the rebellious type. He sits up and moves backwards until his back hits the wall. He pulls his knees to his chest and hugs his knees.

Namjoon wonders what it’s like to disappear. He wonders what it’s like to sleep forever. It sounds nice to him, to sleep forever. He’ll catch up on lost sleep. He’ll sleep for more than a couple of hours. He’ll be refreshed and ready to get through the day. But that doesn’t happen. Namjoon is wide awake.

He spends few hours sitting like that. His arms gave out trying to hold his knees. He does back to laying down. He stares at the wall. (There used to be posters and pictures, but he took them down a long time ago.) The wall doesn’t help him fall asleep either.

It’s too quiet for him, but he can’t bring himself to listen to music or turn the television on. Thoughts float around his head, he wants them to leave. He also doesn’t want them to leave because he’s so lonely. The loneliness eats him up, leaving him empty and hollow. It leaves every bit of him aching. His soul hurts him so much. His body must hate him for all this torture. He shifts again and he’s now facing the door to his room. He opens his mouth but no words come out. He tries again, but barely succeeding after several tries. He certainly doesn’t understand why he’s trying so hard to talk again. No one talks to him, nor does he talk to anyone.

He finally gets to sleep. He doesn’t dream anymore. Dreams are no black and void of all life. He sleeps until his thoughts take over his mind and tells him to wake up. He groans. He’s still tired. It’s still raining outside. He doesn’t remember Seokjin and Jungkook carrying an umbrella with them. He shakes his head and shifts to lay on his stomach. He can’t sleep anymore today. Sleep forbids him to.

Everything aches. His lungs fill with air and it hurts. He gets out of bed and sits at his desk. He doesn’t even turn his computer on or even write in his journal he just sits there. He’s too tired to do anything. A knock on the front door pulls him back into reality. He trudges to the front door and opens it. (His stomach is in knots from being this close to outside.)

Jungkook is standing there with a bowl in his hands. “Hi, Seokjin told me to bring this over and apologize for earlier,” Jungkook says as he hands Namjoon the bowl. Namjoon nods his head. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have said that,” Jungkook says. Namjoon wants to tell the younger male that it’s okay. He wants to thank him for the food. He wants to ask why the younger male didn’t bring an umbrella. “I should get going. Seokjin’s cooking is the best, so eat up,” the younger male states.

Namjoon watches the kid turn around and leave. Rain hits the younger male and Namjoon wants to give the kid an umbrella. He watches the kid enter the house next door. He closes his door and puts the bowl on the kitchen counter. He should eat, but he doesn’t want to throw it up afterwards. He stares at it before attempting to eat the soup. He takes the first bite and then a second. It’s still warm. He feels his stomach churn and he rushes to the bathroom. He clenches the side of the white porcelain bowl and throws up the little that he ate. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

He has no energy to move from this position. He sits in front of the toilet, staring at the white tiles on the floor. It’s too white, too much like a hospital room. He feels a chill go up his spine. He spends several more minutes on the floor before getting up and going back to his bedroom. He spends the rest of the day in bed.

He’s never been suicidal. He’s never retorted to self- harm. He sometime thinks about if he’ll feel anything if he takes a razor blade to his wrist or arms or even his thighs. He’s not suicidal. He simply doesn’t want to be here anymore. There’s a big difference between wanting to commit suicide and wanting to not be here.

 

 

Seokjin Pt 1:

          Seokjin tells Jungkook to hurry up. He wants to meet the neighbors. He hears Jungkook groan. “Why do we have to meet the neighbors?” Jungkook questions. “Because it’s polite and if you come home from school and I’m not home, I want to know who I can trust,” Seokjin states. Jungkook tells him that he’s old enough to take care of himself. The elder male tells him that he’s still a kid. The younger starts to argue, but Seokjin drags him out the door.

They meet their neighbors across the street and then to the right of them. The house on the left of them is quiet. Seokjin can only assume that an older couple lives there. He knocks on the door once, twice, three times before a guy no older than him opens the door. The man is as tall as he is, black hair that is messy. His face is taut and pale. His clothes are loosely hanging off his lanky frame. His eyes are dull.

Seokjin introduces himself and Jungkook. He waits for the other male to say something, but he doesn’t. The other male shifts and his shirt slips off his shoulder. Seokjin can clearly see the other male’s clavicle. He can see how deep the hollow of the other male’s clavicle is, how skinny he is. “Does he know how to talk?” Jungkook whispers. Seokjin elbows him in the ribcage. He apologizes to the other male and they leave.

“Jungkook, you didn’t have to be so rude!” Seokjin exclaims.

“I was just asking,” the younger says.

“You’re going to apologize to him. I don’t care if you don’t want to. Jungkook, you can’t do that,” Seokjin lectures.

“No, I won’t apologize. This is your fault anyway,” the younger male states.

          Seokjin doesn’t want to tell Jungkook about what happened to his previous job. He doesn’t want to talk about how he managed to transfer to another branch in a different city. He just suddenly told Jungkook that they are moving because he got a ‘promotion.’ The younger male was not happy. Jungkook has every right to be mad at him. He knows that Jungkook hates change more than he does, but this was necessary.

          After meeting the neighbors, Seokjin starts to unpack. He places things where they need to be. He puts clothes in the closet and drawers. He makes his bed. He places pictures of him and Jungkook on the nightstand and the desk. He sits on the bed and sighs. He should feel better because he’s getting to start over. But he doesn’t feel better. He realizes that there is no food in the house. He leaves his room and goes to Jungkook’s room. He knocks on the door and opens it. He asks Jungkook if he wants to go to the store with him. The younger male tells him no. Seokjin tells him to behave and leaves the house.

          He doesn’t realize that the rain is picking up. He rushes to the store a block away. He finds shelter inside the store. He buys enough food for a few days, maybe only two days knowing Jungkook eats a lot. He goes to an empty check-out line.

“You’re new here aren’t you?” the cashier questions.

“Yeah, how did you know?” Seokjin asks.

“Everyone who lives here usually takes an umbrella when it’s raining, even when it’s not raining,” the cashier says.

“I didn’t realize it was starting to pick up,” Seokjin states.

“Weather changes drastically here. I’m Jimin by the way,” Jimin says.

“Seokjin,” he says.

“Where are you living at? It’s a small town and people know each other,” Jimin asks.

“Not too far from here, a block over. Mrs. Park lives next door to me,” he answers.

“You must live next to Namjoon as well,” Jimin says.

“That must be his name. He never told me,” he says.

“Namjoon is sick, very sick or so the adults say,” Jimin whispers.

          Seokjin wants to ask more about Namjoon, but he doesn’t. He takes his groceries and tells Jimin goodbye. He walks out the store and it stopped raining. He wonders what Jimin meant by when he said Namjoon was sick. Namjoon did look a little sick but not dying sick though. Jimin’s words circle around his mind. He shakes his head. He opens the front door and puts the groceries up. He finds Jungkook sleeping in his room. He goes back to the kitchen and starts cooking.

          Soon after, Jungkook comes out of his room. Seokjin asks him if he’s hungry. The younger male hums in response. Seokjin serves three bowls of soup. “Why is there three bowls?” Jungkook asks. “You are going to apologize to Namjoon,” Jin says. “Who’s Namjoon?” the younger asks. “Namjoon is our neighbor. The one you were very rude to. You are going to give this to him and apologize,” the elder states. The younger starts to say something, but Seokjin tells him that there is no excuses. They eat in silence.

          Once they finish eating, Seokjin hands him the bowl of soup and tells him to apologize. Jungkook leaves their house before Seokjin can tell him to bring an umbrella. He cleans up the dishes and puts the leftovers up. By the time he’s done, Jungkook comes inside, soaking wet.

“You didn’t tell me that it’s raining,” Jungkook complains.

“I thought it stopped,” Seokjin states.

 “He took the food and I apologized. Happy?” Jungkook states.

“Tomorrow, we are going to the school and getting you registered. The company is giving me a couple of days to settle in,” the elder informs.

          The younger male tells him that the school better have a dance program. Seokjin explains to him that it’s a performing arts school. Jungkook nods and goes to his room. Seokjin leans against the kitchen counter and takes a deep breathe. He knows Jungkook is mad at him.

          He knows that Jungkook must hate him. He doesn’t want his brother to hate him. He has done a lot just to get to this point. He’s done things he’s not truly proud of. He takes another deep breathe. Namjoon is pushed to the back of his mind now. He’s more concerned about Jungkook and work. He wonders if Jungkook is going to fit in with the other students. He wonders what work would be like.

          He pads to his bedroom, cracking the door just enough to see some light from the hallway. He takes his jeans off and replaces them with sweat pants. His room still has some unpacked boxes in it, but he’s too tired to unpack. He lays in bed and let the tiredness consume him.

          Seokjin dreams of Namjoon. He dreams of Namjoon’s haunting eyes and sunken cheeks. He shouldn’t be dreaming of Namjoon, but he is. He dreams about running his fingers along Namjoon’s cheek bones. He dreams of seeing the other male smiling. Then his dreams change. He sees flashing images of a car accident. He hears screaming and crying from Jungkook. He hears muffled sounds abound the two of them. He holds Jungkook close. He feels the younger boy’s tears soak through his shirt. He sees blood and lots of it. He doesn’t know whose blood it is, but it’s still there. He shields Jungkook away from the blood.

          Seokjin wakes up crying. His lungs ache. He gets out of bed and pads to Jungkook’s room. He knocks on the door. The younger male tells him to come in. “Jin, everything okay?” Jungkook asks. Seokjin walks over to him and kneels in front of him. (Jungkook is sitting on the edge of his bed.) “I had a bad dream,” he answers. And Seokjin doesn’t have to explain to Jungkook about it because this has happened many times before. (Jungkook, at the time, was too young to remember what actually happened.) Jungkook tells him that it’ll be okay. Seokjin knows better. “I’m sorry,” the elder says. And Seokjin doesn’t know if he’s apologizing for them moving or for something else. He just knows that he’s sorry. “Jin,” Jungkook says softly.

          At this point, Seokjin feels like he’s not the elder brother. Jungkook tells him to take a shower because he smells. He laughs and gets up. He tells the younger male once again about their plans for tomorrow. Jungkook groans and tells him to go shower. Seokjin leaves the room and goes back to his room.

 He grabs a change of clothes and pads to the bathroom. He waits for the hot water to heat up before stripping off his clothes. He still had scars from the accident even though it’s been several years. He steps into the shower and lets the hot water soothe his aching body.

 

 

Jungkook Pt 1:

Jungkook isn’t angry at Seokjin at all. He was at first, but not now. He got over it. He knows that Seokjin wanted a fresh start from their last place. Maybe a fresh start for him would be good. He would go to a new school, make new friends, join the dance program, and work hard. He hopes that Seokjin found a school with a dance program.

When Seokjin drags him out to meet the neighbors, he’s not too thrilled. He’s old enough to take care of himself now. He doesn’t need to be babysat. He plasters on a fake smile and say hello to the elder neighbors. When they reach the house to the left of them, something feels off and Jungkook knows it. Seokjin knocks on the door several times before a guy no older than Jin opens the door. Jin introduces themselves and the guy just nods. Jungkook whispers to Jin if the guy knows how to talk. In which Jungkook receives a bony elbow to the ribs. His brother immediately apologizes. The guy shakes his head and Jin drags Jungkook away. His elder brother lectures him and tells him that he’s going to apologize.

“No I won’t apologize. This is your fault anyway,” Jungkook states.

          And he doesn’t mean to let that out. He ruffles a hand through his hair and storms back to their home. He hides in his room. He hears the door open and close.  Seokjin comes in a little bit later and asks him if he wants to go to the store with him. He tells his brother no. In return, Seokjin tells him to behave.

          Jungkook lays in bed takes a nap. He sleeps until he smells food cooking in the kitchen. He gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen. Jin is standing over the stove, cooking soup. He asks why there are three bowls. The elder male tells him that he’s going to apologize to Namjoon. Jungkook asks him who Namjoon is. Seokjin tells him that Namjoon is their neighbor. They eat in silence because Jungkook doesn’t want to talk about earlier. He doesn’t want to apologize for words slipping out of his mouth.

          Once they are finished eating, Seokjin hands him a bowl of soup and tells him to go apologize. He groans and leaves the house. He walks next door and knocks on the door. Namjoon opens the door. Jungkook takes a few minutes to study the other male. Namjoon is tall and lanky. The other male’s hair is messy and his eyes are dull. He clears his throat. “Hi, Seokjin told me to bring this over and apologize for earlier,” he says as he hands the bowl to Namjoon. The other male nods his head. Jungkook apologizes and rambles on about how Seokjin’s cooking is. He tells Namjoon that he has to go and the rain picks up. He rushes back to their home and goes to the kitchen.


	3. Our Own Riot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lives of seven boys and how they come together with music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nell has a song called Star Shell and that is how this came to be. I recommend listening to it.

****Seokjin Pt. 1:

Seokjin is sitting in the dressing room, getting hair and makeup done. He has a photoshoot to do. His jeans sit tight on his hips, tight enough to leave marks on his skin. His shirt is nonexistent, nothing, like how he should be, but a thin layer on him. The makeup artist is covering up dark circles under his eyes. She grumbles about him not taking care of himself.

He puts his ear buds in his ears and plays some music. He listens to the calmness of the song. He lets himself be taken to another world. His new world is taken away from him when a staff member tells him that it’s time for the shoot. He puts his phone and ear buds in his backpack and heads to the set. The photographer is checking last minute things before telling the female lead to start posing.

His manager walks up next to him. They watch as the female models what the photographer asks for. “You’re gaining weight,” his manager states. Seokjin wants to tell him that he’s not. He still weighs the same as he did yesterday. He doesn’t tell him instead he ignores the statement and keeps watching. “Boss says if you don’t stay under a certain weight then you’re fired,” his manager says. Seokjin knows this. He knows how skinny, thin, nonexistent, nothing, he must be. He’s heard of eating disorders. (To work in this industry you have to be informed of it.) He’s seen other models forcing themselves to throw up. He’s heard them in the bathroom stalls backstage. He’s done it a few times himself, and he’s not proud of it.

          The photographer calls him over to do individual shots. He walks to the set and instantly changes into Jin. He poses and glares at the camera. He gives the photographer everything he wants and more. (His pants sit too tightly and has trouble breathing.) He focus on the shoot to keep him busy. He finishes his solo shots and goes back to the dressing room to change for the couple shots. The stylist is quickly helping him change and make last minute adjustments.

          Once he’s done changing, he heads back to the set. The female model is on the ground and staff members circle around her. Her manager is on the phone, probably talking to the ambulance. People are chatting in the background. He hears them talking about how skinny she is. He chuckles to himself. They practically sell their bodies for the sake of entertainment. He watches the ambulance take her away on a stretcher.

          He’s seen this multiple times before. He’s lucky that that wasn’t him. He’s scared that that could be him as well. He feels sick. He rushes to the restroom to throw up. He enters an empty stall and empties out the contents of his stomach. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He didn’t realize how much something so simple would affect him. He hears a knock on the stall door. “The photographer cancelled the rest of shoot. We have to go to another one in thirty. Hurry up,” his manager states. He grabs some toilet paper and wipes his mouth and flushes the toilet. Seokjin unlocks the door and heads to the sink. He washes out the bad taste in his mouth and washes his hands.

          This is bad, so bad. He’s shaking. He needs to talk to Hyosang. He needs the other male. He rushes back to the dressing room and changes into his own clothes. He grabs his backpack and digs for his phone. He dials a number that he knows all too well. He waits for the other male to pick up. “Hello,” a groggy voice says. “Hyosang, I can’t do this anymore,” he says. “Jin, please tell me you aren’t doing it again. Please,” Hyosang begs. “Sing for me please?” he asks. The other male sings his favorite song. He feels his body relaxing. His manager tells him to hurry up. “Seokjin, you’ll be okay. I’ll spend the night tonight. I’m going to bring soup with me. I’ll see you later,” Hyosang says softly.

          Seokjin hangs up the phone and plays some music. He walks out of the building and to the van. He opens the door and climbs in. He puts on his seat belt and stares out the window. He listens to Nell. The singer’s voice is calming. Nell has the power to change his mood. He closes his eyes and he is taken to another universe. He’s okay. He’s okay. He’s okay. He tells himself over and over again.

          The next shoot runs a lot smoother than the last one. The photographer is satisfied with Seokjin. He still feels sick to his stomach. He still feels bad. He’s ready to crawl into bed with Hyosang and sleep. He’s done for the day. Instead of going towards his apartment, his manager is going the other direction. “Where are we going?” he asks. His manager tells him that they’re going to the office, the boss wanted to ‘talk’ to him.

          Seokjin knows what this ‘talk’ is about. This boss is going to have him strip down to his boxers and weigh him. If he’s not a certain weight then he’s going to be fired. They get to the office and get on the elevator. He’s a nervous wreck. He’s shaking. He feels sick, again. His manager doesn’t speak to him. The elevator stops and the door opens. They step off the elevator and his manager leads him to the boss’s office.

          The door opens and his boss is sitting at his desk. A scale is on the floor in front of it. He knows the drill. He takes off his shoes and socks then pants and shirt, leaving him in his underwear. He steps on the scale and looks at the numbers. The scale reads sixty kilograms. He weighs the same as last time. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Seokjin, good job on maintaining your weight,” his boss says. Seokjin knows that the elder male doesn’t mean it, he never does. In the elder’s eyes, he could always be skinnier, thinner, nonexistent, nothing. “Get dressed before someone comes in. You can leave after this. You are off tomorrow as well, any changes your manager will be contacted,” his boss states. Seokjin quickly gets dressed and heads out the door. His manager is following him. He presses the down button several times before an elevator doors open. He steps inside the elevator and so does his manager. The ride to the lobby is quiet. Neither of them say a word.

          The ride to Seokjin’s apartment is quiet as well. This time he has music to listen to. He listens to ‘Losing Control’ by Nell. He lets the singer’s voice take him to a better place. He closes his eyes and breathes easier. The van stops in front of his apartment. He unbuckles his seat belt, grabs his backpack and leaves the van.

He walks up the stairs and to his door. There’s a box sitting in front of his door. He picks it up and unlocks his door. He opens the door and slips off his shoes. He sets the box on the coffee table. He shrugs off his backpack and puts it on the couch. His phone rings a few seconds later. It’s a message from Hyosang telling him that he’ll be over in a few minutes.

He stares at the box and debates on whether or not he should open it. (He’s not a big name in the modeling industry. It shouldn’t be hate mail.) He looks at it and it’s just a cardboard box with no return address, but it’s addressed to him. He shakes it, but it makes no noise. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up to go open it. Hyosang is standing there with takeout containers.

“I brought soup. I figured it would make you feel better,” the dirty blonde says.

Seokjin lets him inside, and they sit on the couch. He moves his backpack to make room for Hyosang. They sit in silence for a few minutes. He knows he should tell Hyosang what happened just a few moments before he came over. He inhales and then exhales. He doesn’t want to tell the other male how he feels. (He was never really good with telling others about his feelings.) He’s thankful for Hyosang to never ask unless Seokjin is ready to talk about.

“I had another weigh in today,” he says.

“And?” Hyosang questions.

“I weigh the same as I did last time, but I know that I should be skinnier, thinner, nonexistent, nothing,” he says softly.

          Hyosang sets the containers on the coffee table. The other male turns to face him and grab his hands. Seokjin knows that he shouldn’t have said that, but it’s true. It’s how he feels and Hyosang needed to know how he feels. They sit in silence for few minutes. The silence is heavy between them. He’s sure that Hyosang can feel it too.

“Seokjin, you are doing so well. I’m proud of you. I’ve seen you at you lowest and highest. I’m scared that you’ll slip through my fingers just like before. I’m so scared and I know you are too. But Jin, there is nothing wrong with you being at a healthy weight. You are so beautiful,” Hyosang states.

          Hyosang is right, Seokjin thinks. There’s nothing wrong with him, but he knows better to think that. “Let’s eat,” Seokjin says. They talk while they eat. Hyosang talks about some music that he’s working on. Seokjin listens. “What’s in the box?” Hyosang asks. “I don’t know, haven’t opened it yet,” he answers. Hyosang tells him to open it. He’s hesitant on opening it, but does anyway. There’s a card sitting on top of a black bandana. On the card is a time and place and a little note telling him to bring the bandana. Hyosang asks him if he’s going to go. He shrugs his shoulders and tells him to help him clean up so they can sleep.

 

 

Hoseok Pt 1:

          Hoseok gets a letter in the mail from Cube Entertainment. He takes a deep breathe before opening it. He’s scared that it’s another rejection letter. He knows deep down that it is another rejection letter. He still opens it. He reads the first few lines and instantly knows that he didn’t get accepted. He balls the paper up and throws it across the room.

He wonders what he’s doing wrong. He’s auditioned for every company, but none of them want him. Failure, he thinks. He wonders if moving to Seoul is worth it. His family believes in him to do great things. He hasn’t. He’s a failure. He’s living in this crappy apartment, working at the convenience store and teaching little kids dance, and barely making ends meet. He rakes a hand through his hair. He wants to scream, but the walls are paper thin. He pads to his bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet and grabs the bottle of pills.

He’s about ready to open them but puts them back and closes the door of medicine cabinet. He turns on the sink and splashes his face with cold water. He dries off his face with a towel and leaves the bathroom. He has to work in an hour. He’s working until closing tonight. He changes into his work uniform and heads out. He locks his door and walks to the steps and down the stairs. He’s glad he works around the corner. He’s early but he figured he’d buy him some instant noodles and wait.

“Hey Hoseok,” Jimin says.

“Hey Jimin,” he replies.

“Donghyuk came by earlier, asking about you. I told him you were closing tonight,” the younger male says.

“Thanks,” he says.

          Hoseok eats in silence and stares out the window. He watches people pass by. He wonders if they are happy. He wonders if Jimin and Donghyuk are happy. “Are you happy Jimin?” he asks. “Sometimes, why are you asking?” the smaller answers. Hoseok tells him that he’s curious. He lets the younger male go back to work. He wonders what Jimin means by sometimes. He finishes eating and continues to watch people pass by. “Are you happy?” Jimin asks. Hoseok doesn’t know how to answer him. He isn’t happy, but he’s not sad either. He tells Jimin sometimes as well. The younger male hums in response, as he straightens up the bags of chips.

          The bell rings as the door opens. Jimin greets the customer. He watches the smaller male saunter off behind the counter. The bell rings again and Donghyuk walks in with Ikje and Hunchul in tow.

“Hoseok, I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer then I came by earlier. Jimin said you were working the closing shift,” Donghyuk states.

“What did you want?” Hoseok asks.

“Can we talk?” Donghyuk questions.

          Hoseok nods and follows the taller male outside. Donghyuk pulls out a box of cigarettes and puts one between his lips. He lights the cigarette and takes a drag. He blows smoke into the air. Hoseok stares at the ground. He waits until the taller male says something.

“How are you doing?” Donghyuk asks.

“I’m okay,” Hoseok lies. 

“Don’t lie to me,” the taller male says.

          Hoseok doesn’t answer him. He’s known Donghyuk enough that the taller male read him like an open book. “I failed another audition,” he says. Donghyuk drops his cigarette and stubs it out. He feels tears prick his eyes, wanting to fall. The taller male runs his fingers through Hoseok’s hair. They don’t speak. Hoseok can’t trust his own voice to tell Donghyuk anything right now. He cries and cries. He lets everyone see him so vulnerable. He looks over at Donghyuk. The taller male has his eyes on him.

“Those companies are shit and you know this. If they can’t see how great you are then fuck them. You can do better than that,” Donghyuk says.

          Hoseok knows that Donghyuk is shit at comforting others. He chuckles and wipes away the tears. Donghyuk smiles. Hoseok tells the taller male that he’ll call him after work. The taller male ruffles Hoseok’s hair before he leaves. Hoseok walks back into the store and gets ready for work.

“Have you heard of Ocean of Light by Nell?” Jimin asks.

“Yeah, why?” he asks.

“Just curious. I was on their homepage earlier and it appears they’re having a show tonight,” Jimin states.

“Can’t go,” he replies.

“Neither can I. I’m working again,” the younger says.

“You should clock out,” Hoseok suggests.

          He watches the younger male clock out and leave. He’s working by himself the rest of the night. He figures it’s not going to be an easy night. It’s Friday night and people like to drink. He plays his Nell playlist to make the store less quiet. The bell rings several times in the past few minutes. Customers come and go. He rings up their items and watches them leave. A customer comes in, grabs a case of beer and goes to pay. “Nell right?” the customer asks. “Yeah,” Hoseok says. The customer smiles and Hoseok gets confused for a few seconds. The customer clears his throat. Hoseok shyly smiles and asks to see his i.d. The guy hands him his i.d. He looks at the date of birth and expiration date and deems it good. He rings up the beer and tells the customer the amount. The customer pays and leaves with the beer. Hoseok mentally curses himself.

          Work drags on and Hoseok is tired. Nell fills the air. And Hoseok is so tired. He’s ready to go back to his crappy apartment and go to sleep. His mind wanders again and he starts to wonder if he’s good enough. (Failure.) He doesn’t think he’s good enough for an entertainment company. He really wants to go home, back to his parents. “Hoseok,” Donghyuk says. He looks up from the counter and taller male is leaning on said counter. “When did you get here?” Hoseok asks. The broader male tells him a few minutes ago. Hoseok nods his head and starts to sing along to the music.

“Are you feeling any better?” Donghyuk asks.

“Am I not good enough?” Hoseok asks.

“What? You are better than good enough,” the taller states.

“Then why didn’t I get accepted into any company?” he asks.

“Do you still have those pills?” Donghyuk asks.

          Hoseok looks at him. He can’t tell the taller male what almost happened this afternoon. He doesn’t answer him. He’s scared of what the taller male will do. “Why haven’t you throw them away?” the taller asks.

“Can we please not talk about this while I’m working? If you aren’t going to buy something then leave,” Hoseok says.

          The taller male buys a box of cigarettes and a soda. Hoseok is not in the mood for the taller male’s questions. “I’m going to the studio after work,” he states. The taller male tells him to call him when he gets there. He nods his head and watches Donghyuk leave. He goes back to work. He has a few more hours left and then he can leave. Nell calms his nerves throughout the night. He finishes cleaning up and starts to close up. He’s done for tonight.

          He locks the doors before putting his ear buds into his ears and plays music. He makes his way to the dance studio. He unlocks the door and enters a room. He turns on the lights and plugs his phone into the speakers. He almost misses the box. He sees it sitting in front of the mirrors. He walks up to it and it’s addressed to him. He opens it and there’s a note on top of a black bandana. The note has an address and time on it as well as a direction to bring the bandana with him. He sets it a side and starts to stretch.

          He lets the music flow through him and starts to dance. He gets lost in the fast paced beats. He dances so eloquently and elegantly. He watches himself in the mirror and starts to think about how he could be better. ( _Failure.)_ He keeps dancing. He doesn’t stop until he’s out of breath. He collapses on the hardwood floor and lays there.

          His chest heaves up and down. He drapes an arm over his eyes. He lets himself calm down and take a break. ( _Work harder failure.)_ He feels heavy; his body feels like his bones are made of lead. He lays there surrounded by the fast beats of the song. He starts to cry. He lets out sobs and even screams. He’s shaking. He’s so tired of trying. He’s nothing but a failure.

          He hears the door open and close. He doesn’t have the energy to move. He’s a sobbing mess. The person sits next to him and brings him into their arms. He knows its Donghyuk because of the faint smell of cigarettes. “Hoseok, it’s okay,” the taller says.

“No, it’s not! I’m a failure! I’m not good enough, never good enough,” he exclaims.

“Shh, calm down,” the other male says.

          Hoseok feels it in his bones. He feels the tiredness, hopelessness. He’s not good enough, never good enough. He never will be. His hands itch, wanting to grab the bottle of pills and swallow them all. He cries even harder. His lungs hurt. Everything aches. Donghyuk tells him to take a deep breathe. He does. The taller male asks him about the box, but doesn’t get an answer.

          The two of them stay like this until Hoseok calms down. Hoseok calms down enough to get up. He grabs the box before locking up. The taller male walks him home. He asks Donghyuk to come in for a few minutes. Donghyuk follows him into his apartment. He goes to the medicine cabinet, takes the bottle of pills and closes it. He gives Donghyuk the bottle and tells him to dispose of it. The taller male smiles at him and ruffles Hoseok’s hair. “Thank you,” Hoseok says. The taller male tells him that he should go, talking about the box.

 

 

Yoongi Pt1:

          Yoongi wakes up bleary eyed and tired, next to a shirtless Jungkook. He pulls the blanket to cover the younger male. The taller male shirts a little. Yoongi watches Jungkook’s chest rise and fall, because breathing should be natural to him. The younger male shifts again. Yoongi wants to take a picture of this sight, so he does. He grabs his phone off the night stand and takes a picture. He wants to cherish the moments because they won’t last forever.

          On mornings like this, he doesn’t want to wake up the younger male. He wants to know how easy breathing is, because it feels like it’s a chore for him. He tucks a loose stand of hair behind the younger’s ear. The brunette male’s eyes flutter open. Yoongi retracts his hand and drops it to his side. Jungkook smiles at him.

He gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom. He gets ready for work today. He washes up. He walks back to the bedroom and changes clothes. He pulls on a pair of jeans and a sweater. (Jungkook is watching him.) He goes to get his camera ready.

“Jungkook, you can’t stay here.  You know this,” he says. The younger male stares at him, and he knows what Jungkook is going to say. He knows that the kid doesn’t want to go back to his parents. He sighs and gathers his camera together, making sure to get all his lenses. “And go where exactly? Back to my parents who disowned me for pursuing art? Or perhaps back on the streets barely making it?” the younger questions. Yoongi sighs again.

          He shakes his head. The younger male needs to talk to his parents, tell them that he loves them and not argue with them. He zips up his camera case. He sits on the edge of the bed and places a hand on the brunette’s leg. “Jungkook, you deserve better than this, than me. You can’t stay here because I can’t take care of you. I can’t take care of myself. I’m scared that I’ll get bad again and leave you. I don’t want you to find me, dead. Jungkook, don’t look at me like that. Don’t cry,” Yoongi states.

          The younger male pulls the blanket over his head. Yoongi tries to pry the blanket out of Jungkook’s grip, but the younger doesn’t let him. He does the next best thing and sings Jungkook’s favorite song by Nell. Jungkook pulls the blanket down and looks at him. Tears are falling down his cheeks, and Yoongi reaches to brush them away, but the younger flinches. Yoongi retracts his hand. “Jungkook,” he says softly. He says Jungkook’s name over and over again.

          Yoongi feels it in the pit of his stomach. He feels the guilt and shame. He feels the sadness. He doesn’t want to feel any of it. He knows that Jungkook is hurting. He knows that Jungkook needs him. He knows this all too well.

The younger male is sobbing, body shaking and trying to breathe. Yoongi pulls him up, so Jungkook is sitting up. (The blanket falls off Jungkook’s torso and pools in his lap.) Yoongi pulls him into his arms and holds him tightly. The brunette’s tears are soaking his sweater, but he doesn’t care. He tells the younger male that he’s sorry over and over again. “Jungkook, stop crying please,” he begged. He pulled away from the younger male and looked at him. He cupped Jungkook’s cheek and wiped away the tears with his thumb.

Yoongi wishes that he didn’t feel this way. He wishes that Jungkook didn’t feel this way. He leans in and gives the brunette a peck on the lips. He moves back and wishes that they were in a better place. “I have to go to work,” he says. Leaving the younger male like this breaks him even more. Jungkook deserves better. He deserves someone not Yoongi. He hears Jungkook sobbing as he leaves. It hurts so fucking much. He hates it, but he knows better.

The younger male shouldn’t even be at his place. The brunette male may be legal, but he should be living with his parents. Yoongi is not stable enough to live on his own, yet he has to because his grandmother is living with his parents. (And he doesn’t want to live with people who don’t accept him.) He sighs.

He gets on the bus to the studio. He stares out the window and watches people in suits and school uniforms rush to work and school. He wonders if any of them are different like him. He wonders if their family accepts them as well. He wonders if they have a lover or not. He wonders if they are happy. He gets off two stops later, not much further from his studio. He walks to the studio thinking about the other people around him.

Today he has a shoot with a model named Jin. He’s seen the model’s work and he deems today to be pretty easy. But today wasn’t easy. Jin was distracted. He tries to tell Jin to relax, but the model isn’t relaxing. He calls for a five minute break. The model rushes to the restroom. He steps away from everyone to call Jungkook. It rings and rings then goes to voicemail. He tries three more times and no answer. “Answer the phone Jungkook,” he says. He keeps getting sent to voicemail. He feels his anxiety in his veins.

“Are you okay?” his assistant asks.

“No, there’s an emergency at home,” he says.

“We’re almost done, so if you need to go then go,” they say.

Yoongi packs up his equipment and rushes out past the staff. He apologizes to everyone as he leaves. He starts running out the door and onto the street. He hails a taxi and tells the driver to hurry. He gets back to his apartment building and presses the up button of the elevator multiple times. When the elevator gets there, he presses the three button. He’s not feeling good. He taps his foot and tells the elevator to hurry up. The elevator dings and the door opens. He runs out and pulls his keys out of his pocket. (His hands are shaking.) He unlocks the door and doesn’t bother to taking his shoes off. “Jungkook!” he yells.

          He opens the door to the bathroom and it’s empty. He opens the door to the bedroom, also empty. He opens the guest bedroom and Jungkook is painting with headphones over his head. The younger male’s phone is sitting across the room. Yoongi lets out a breath he was holding. He walks up to the brunette and places a hand on his shoulder. Jungkook tenses and turns around. He takes the headphones off and they fall on his neck.

 “You scared me,” the taller says.

“You scared me,” Yoongi states.

“Why are you home early?” the artist asks.

“I called you, but you didn’t answer your phone,” Yoongi says.

          The younger male tells him that he didn’t hear it. Yoongi sighs and asks Jungkook what he is painting. “I don’t really know, but it’s called _Somewhere In Between,_ ” the younger says. The taller male sets his paintbrush down. “I like it,” the blonde says. The artist smiles softly.

          Yoongi likes those moments when Jungkook seems so much more mature, those moments when the younger male knows more. He likes it when Jungkook doesn’t have to depend on him so much. Because he’s not going to be here forever for the younger male. He has bad days and some days get out of hand. On the days that he gets out of hand, he’s a crying mess, struggling to think and breathe, reaching for that razor blade or kitchen knife. He’s a ball of panic and anxiety. He tries his best to make it out alive. Most of the time, he’s successful with scratches barely grazing skin. Other days, he’s not so lucky with several cuts running along his veins and lots of blood. Jungkook hasn’t seen him like that.

“Yoongi?” the artist question.

“Sorry I was spacing out,” he says.

“Everything okay?” Jungkook asks.

          Yoongi tells him that everything is fine. He cards his fingers through Jungkook’s hair. “Are you going back to work?” the brunette asks. He’s only been gone for maybe twenty minutes. (They should be done by now.) He does need to go back to the office to send in the pictures. He tells the brunette that he’ll be back in a little bit. Jungkook tells him to buy pizza on his way back.

          He grabs his camera bag and heads out. He takes the elevator to the lobby and leaves. He waits on the bus and gets on when it shows up. He sits in the back and stares out the window. He knows that he shouldn’t have lied to Jungkook. Everything is not okay. It’s a mess and the younger male shouldn’t be in the middle of it. Jungkook deserves better. Yoongi gets off the bus at the stop in front of the office.

          He walks inside and is greeted by the secretary. He nods his head and makes his way to the magazine’s head editor. He knocks on the door and they tell him to come in. He stands there awkwardly. “Yoongi, is everything okay? I heard that there was an emergency,” they say. “Yeah, my little brother got sick and it was pretty bad,” he lies. They nod their head and ask for the rest of the pictures. He takes out his camera and plugs it into the computer. They pull the pictures off the camera. “There was a package left for you. I had the delivery boy put it on your desk,” they inform. He tells them thanks before going to his desk, which he never uses.

Sure enough there’s a box with his name on it. He opens it and there’s a letter and a black bandana. On the letter is an address and a time. The letter tells him to bring the bandana as well. He studies the bandana and letter before taking it with him.

 

 

Namjoon Pt 1

Namjoon walks to the hospital. He’s scared, still. He shouldn’t be scared. He’s been here several times before. He’s visited Ilhoon more than once, but today feels different. He walks into the hospital and presses the up button on the elevator and presses the five button. People get on and off the elevator as it goes up. He wonders if the people are happy or sad.

When the elevator stops on the fifth floor, he gets off. He takes a right and walks to room 510. He knocks on the door before opening it. He hears a faint ‘come in’ before he walks inside. The lights are dim despite it being sunny outside. Ilhoon is sitting in the bed, staring out the window. He looks so weak and fragile. Tubes and I.Vs were everywhere. Namjoon sits in the chair beside the bed. “Namjoon,” Ilhoon says softly.

And Namjoon can feel all the emotions when Ilhoon says his name like that. He wants to hold the other’s hand and tell him that it’ll be okay, he’ll be okay. But both of them know the truth. “Yes, he replies. The other male doesn’t say anything for a while. He knows what Ilhoon is going to say next. He doesn’t want to hear it. He looks down at his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry,” Ilhoon says. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to hear it. “Ilhoon, stop,” he chokes out. Namjoon feels the tears form and then fall. He wipes them away with the heels of his hands.

“Namjoon stop crying please,” Ilhoon begs.

          He doesn’t. It makes him cry even more.


	4. Sungcheol's Guide to Loving Jihoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choi Sungcheol's guide to loving Lee Jihoon (a sad individual).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this to a poem that I wrote inspired by Meggie Royer's poem called "the handy dandy guide for loving someone with depression". (I'm sorry if it sounds like I copied her work. I didn't I swear.) Also I'm not quite sure of the correct spelling of S.coups and Woozi's real names so yeah.......

  1. _write on post-it notes, telling him that he’s enough. Leave them places that he will read them._



Sungcheol wakes up earlier than Jihun on most days. He finds the post-it notes on the desk and starts to write notes to the younger male. When he finishes, he places them everywhere for Jihun to find them. He pads back to the bedroom and slips back into bed. He stares softly at Jihun. The younger male shifts in his sleep. Sungcheol reaches out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind Jihun’s ear.

            Jihun looks so serene when he sleeps. The elder male wonders what he dreams about. He vaguely remembers the smaller male telling him that he doesn’t dream. Sungcheol calls bullshit because everyone dreams. But he will never tell the younger that. He wonders if Jihun is dreaming of them in a parallel universe, one where Jihun is truly happy and doesn’t hate himself. Sungcheol hates seeing the younger male like this. But he can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. He can only love Jihun and be there for him.

            Sungcheol doesn’t go back to sleep. He watches Jihun sleep peacefully. He counts the smaller male’s eyelashes. He watches Jihun’s chest rise and fall signaling that he’s still alive and breathing. The elder male pulls the blanket over the smaller’s chest. Jihun moves to his side, facing Sungcheol. The taller male takes in the image before him. Jihun is perfect and he always will be. He wants the smaller male to know this. He wants Jihun to know that he’s more than enough. He gently touches Jihun’s cheek and cups it. He rubs the younger’s cheek bone with his thumb. The smaller male’s eyes flutter open. Sungcheol smiles gently at him. “Good morning,” the elder whispers. Jihun hums in reply.

The two lay like that for a few minutes before getting out of bed. (Sungcheol wants this moment to last because Jihun doesn’t hate himself this early in the morning. Or so he thinks that Jihun doesn’t.) The moment however doesn’t last forever because Jihun slips out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He waits for Jihun to ask him questions, but the younger doesn’t.  The younger male comes back into the room and gets ready for work. Sungcheol goes to the bathroom and the post-it notes are in the trashcan. He feels sad, but knows that the younger male doesn’t mean it. He walks out of the bathroom, and Jihun is in the kitchen, making a bowl of cereal. Sungcheol joins him at the table.

“Why were there post-it notes on the mirror?” Jihun asks.

“You know why,” Sungcheol answers.

“Sungcheol please, just don’t,” the younger pleads

            So Sungcheol doesn’t tell him. He doesn’t explain to the smaller male that he needs this more than the elder male ever will. He doesn’t tell Jihun that he did that for him. Instead he eats his cereal without making conversation with Jihun. Jihun finishes his cereal and leaves for work. Sungcheol sighs and washes the dishes. He finds his phone and sends Jihun a message. ‘You are enough. Have a good day’ the message states. And he knows that Jihun got it because the younger male has read the message.

He opens his laptop and turns it on. He starts to work on his manuscript. His mind drifts off while writing. He thinks that maybe the post-it notes weren’t enough. He grabs the post- it notes and writes more notes to the younger male. He writes words so elegantly, eloquently. He writes them like he’s whispering the words ever so softly. He places them on the mirror in the bathroom, on the closet doors, on the fridge, on the headboard of their bed, and on his pillows. Sungcheol doesn’t want Jihun to throw these away. He wants the younger male to keep these notes and read them and reread them until Jihun believes them.

_2.if he doesn't read them then tell him over and over again until he believes it._

Sungcheol is asleep on the couch when Jihun gets home from work. The younger male shakes him to wake him up. He opens his eyes and see the smaller male with the post-it notes in his hand. Jihun doesn’t look mad, but he knows that the younger is mad. “Hi,” he says softly. The blonde male stares at him. He knows exactly what this is going to be about. He sits up and faces the smaller male.

“Sungcheol,” Jihun says.

“Don’t you dare throw them away. I worked too hard on those. And if you aren’t going to read them, then I’ll keep them. I’ll just have to tell you over and over again that you are enough. I don’t care how long it takes until you believe me. Jihun, you are enough and you need to know this. I’m not doing this because I want to. I’m doing this for you,” the elder explains.

“Sungcheol, just stop already. Stop doing this,” the younger male says.

“No, I won’t. I won’t stop until you believe me. I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you so broken. I hate not being able to help you in anyway. I hate it Jihun. I really do. I’m scared that the next thing I know, I’ll get a call from the police or hospital. I’m really scared Jihun,” the ravenette states.

“Leave! Get out! Go!” Jihun screams.

The elder male gets off the couch and grabs some of his things. He doesn’t want to see Jihun like this, and Jihun knows this. Yet the younger male still falls. He grabs the post-it notes that the younger male has put on the coffee table and stuffs them into his backpack. He takes his laptop off the table and puts in in his bag. He tells Jihun that he’s more than enough before he leaves. He leaves the apartment and calls Jisoo. He doesn’t want to leave the younger male by himself, even after knowing what the younger male can do by himself.

“Hey Jisoo, I need you to do me a favor,” he says.

“What?” Jisoo asks.

“Can you go check up on Jihun? We got into an argument and he kicked me out again,” the elder says softly.

“What happened?” the foreigner questions.

“The usual, I told him that he needs to quit thinking that he’s not good enough. I told him that I’m scared of what could happen to him,” he states.

“I’ll go check on him. I’ll call you right after. Where are you going to go?” Jisoo says.

“Probably Jeonghan’s place or Hansol’s place. Thank you,” Sungcheol says.

            He hangs up the phone and walks to Hansol’s apartment. He knocks on the door and Chan answered it. The younger male smiles at him and lets him in. Chan tells him that Hansol is taking a nap. “It’s nice to see you. How’s Jihun?” Chan asks. He tells the smaller male that Jihun is doing okay, no major changes. He’s fidgety and can’t sit still. He paces around the living room, and the younger male tells him to calm down.

“Did you and Jihun fight again?” Chan asks.

“More or less. He was having a bad day and I was trying to cheer him up, but it didn’t go so well,” he says.

“It’ll be okay, you know. It takes time,” the younger says.

“When did you get so smart?” Sungcheol asks.

“Hansol isn’t doing so well either. He has bad days too, not as bad, but still.  He’s getting better. It takes time, and patience. You have be there for him when they need you. Don’t suffocate him,” Chan states.

            Sungcheol reaches out to ruffle the younger’s hair, but the smaller male dodges and laughs at the elder. Chan goes to make tea. Sungcheol is sitting on the couch staring at the blank television screen. He barely sees his reflection. His phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and its Jisoo calling. He answers it. He talks to the younger male for a bit before hanging up. Chan comes into the living room with three cups of hot tea. The smaller male sets two down on the coffee table for him and Sungcheol. The younger male walks to another room, which he assumes is the bedroom because that’s where Hansol is. Chan closes the bedroom door quietly and sits next to Sungcheol.

“Was that Jisoo?” Chan asks.

“Yeah, he says that Jihun had destroyed the apartment. Jeonghan and he had went over to check on him. Jisoo says that Jihun is okay now. They cleaned up the mess and took Jihun back with them. So I’ll probably go back home after this cup,” he says.

“No, stay. Hansol misses having company other than me over. Jisoo visits and so does Wonwoo and Mingyu, but not often,” the younger says.

“But Jihun,” the elder says softly.

“Is staying at Jeonghan’s for the night. I’m sure that he’ll be in good hands,” the smaller says.

            The bedroom door opens and closes. A sleepy Hansol comes out of the room. The younger male’s hair is array. He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands and yawns. He blinks a few times. “Sungcheol, why are you here?” the younger asks. Chan tells him that Jihun kicked him out of the apartment. Hansol giggles at that. Sungcheol tells him that it’s something serious. “I know it is, but it’s still funny. Anyway the guest room is available if you are sleeping over again,” Hansol says. Sungcheol thanks him. Hansol joins them on the couch and cuddles with Chan.

“How are you feeling?” Sungcheol asks.

“I’ve been better. Some days better than others,” Hansol answers.

“That’s good to hear,” he says.

“I guess. You should take Jihun to the park, maybe a change of scenery and some fresh air will help,” the brunette says.

            That night goes by slow. Chan ends up burning dinner and orders pizza instead. Hansol is in a better mood than most days when he sees the brunette. Sungcheol watches the two of them interact and writes down some notes. His manuscript is far from being down. He needs to work, but he has no inspiration and it’s not cool. He writes down some things about Hansol and Chan’s relationship that is basic like how Hansol likes to play with Chan’s fingers without even thinking about it. He notices that when Chan talks about dancing his face lights up and Hansol smiles more. It’s the simple things that he writes down and notes. He doesn’t necessarily need this information for his manuscript, but it’s a habit of his that he hasn’t broke yet. He does that with Jihun. He takes notice of Jihun’s mouth when he talks. He makes mental notes of when Jihun talks about something he likes. He does this involuntarily.

“Sungcheol, we’re going to bed. It’s getting late,” Chan states.

            He tells the younger two good night. He makes his way to the guestroom. He closes the room door behind him and turns the light on. He places his backpack on the desk and pulls out a pair of sweats and changes into them. He turns the light off and goes to bed himself. He tosses and turns. He’s not used to sleeping without Jihun beside him. He’s not used to sleeping alone anymore. It’s weird and scary. He’ll wake up in the morning, not in his room, not sleeping next to Jihun. He stares at the ceiling and tries to sleep. He eventually does go to sleep.

He wakes up the next morning in a foreign bed and Jihun is not next to him. He recalls the events from last night and gets out of bed. He makes his way to the bathroom and cleans up. He changes into some clean clothes and the shirt he threw in his bag is Jihun’s shirt. He pulls it on anyway and fixes the bed. He smells food being cooked and follows it to the kitchen. Hansol is cooking at the stove. “Good morning,” Hansol says. Sungcheol tells him the same.

“Are you going to stay for breakfast? I made eggs and toast,” the brunette says.

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” he says.

“Chan had to go to work early. He’s teaching little kids how to dance on the weekends now,” Hansol states.

“How are you feeling?” the elder asks.

“Okay actually. I don’t feel out of it like normal. After breakfast, you should go check on Jihun, I’m sure that he’s home by now,” the younger states.

            Sungcheol nods his head and he knows that he should go now, but breakfast does sound nice. He sits with Hansol at the table and eat. They talk about Jihun mostly. Hansol asks him how Jihun is doing and if he’s getting better. Sungcheol tells him that nothing’s really changed. The brunette male tells him to finish eating and go. “Are you trying to get rid of me that bad?” Sungcheol jokes. “No, I’m tired,” the younger says. Sungcheol tells him goodbye and leaves.

            He takes the bus back to his apartment. He walks up the stairs and takes a right. He stands in front of his apartment door and unlocks it. He slips his shoes off and walks quietly to the bedroom. He places his backpack on the desk. Jihun is sleeping in bed. (It’s his day off.) He sits on his side of the bed and crawls in to bed. He snuggles with the younger male. The younger male lets him. Sungcheol wraps his arms around Jihun and holds him. “I’m sorry,” Jihun says softly. Sungcheol looks down at him and kisses the top of Jihun’s head. He tells him that it’s okay. They sleep for a few more hours.

_3 take him by the hand and gently guide him out of bed._

_4\. go out on a walk and take in the scenery and fresh air._

_5\. tell him that he'll miss this if he leaves._

Sungcheol wakes up before the younger male again. It’s normal now. He lets go of Jihun and the younger male wakes up. Jihun buries his face in Sungcheol’s chest and apologizes again. He tells the blonde male that it’s okay. He cards his fingers through Jihun’s hair and tells him that it’s okay over and over again. “Let’s go to the park today. It’s a nice pretty day. We can just go for a walk,” Sungcheol says. Jihun agrees to go. The elder male takes him by the hand and gently guides him out of bed.

“Have you eaten yet?” Sungcheol asks.

“Jeonghan made breakfast before I left,” the younger replies.

“Hansol did too. He’s feeling better than last time we saw him. Chan’s so in love with him,” he says.

“Does he look at Hansol like the way you look at me?” Jihun asks.

“Yeah, he does. He does,” he replies.

            Sungcheol lets Jihun get ready to go first. He brushes his hair and his teeth. He grabs a camera. He puts his wallet in his back pocket and slips his phone into his front pocket. He makes sure to have extra pocket change for food along the way. When Jihun gets out of the bathroom, he puts a sweater that is quite possibly Sungcheol’s and a pair of jeans. Sungcheol thinks he looks beautiful. He tells Jihun that he is beautiful.

“You are so beautiful,” Sungcheol says.

“Sungcheol,” Jihun says softly.

“Let’s not fight today,” replies Sungcheol.

            They leave the apartment making sure to lock the door behind them. They walk to the closet park and just walk along the path. Sungcheol takes pictures of the scenery. He takes pictures of Jihoon as well. Sungcheol wants Jihoon to know that he’ll miss this if he leaves. Nature is so beautiful and Jihoon should know that. They sit on a bench for a while.

“It’s a nice day today,” Sungcheol says.

“It is,” Jihoon replies.

“There’s a Japanese word for the sunlight that filters through the leaves. It’s called _Komorebi_. It’s has more meaning in Japanese but it’s still pretty. It’s like the sunlight is playing hide and seek with the leaves,” the elder says.

“How do you know that?” Jihoon asks.

“You’ll miss this if you leave. You’ll miss the beauty of nature,” Sungcheol states.

“Where am I going?” questions Jihoon.

“I don’t know and that’s why I’m scared. I’m scared that you will leave.


	5. Free Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanghyuk's pants sit too tight on his waist leaving indentations. He wonders why he even keeps going with this job.

        After parties are, in Sanghyuk’s mind, one of the worst things in the world. He plasters on a fake smile and goes through the flow. He gets offers left and right. He snags two shows and a pictorial. He takes a sip of his champagne and lets if burn down his throat. He hates the taste of champagne, but still drinks it.

“Sanghyuk!” Ken exclaims.

“You’re drunk, go to hotel room,” Sanghyuk says.

“Take me then,” Ken whines.

“Where’s your manager?” the younger asks.

“I don’t know,” he slurs.

          Sanghyuk agrees to bring him to his hotel room. He tells his manager that he’s taking Ken to his room. His manager nods and his head and watches them leave. Ken clings onto him and whines. Sanghyuk finds him annoying and doesn’t even know why he’s helping him. He is certainly not close to the elder male. He manages to get the elder to tell him the room number and gets the key card out of the shorter male’s jacket pocket. Ken groans when Sanghyuk struggles with holding him up and trying to open the door.

“I’ll get that!” a voice exclaims.

“Hakyeon,” Sanghyuk says.

“I’ve been looking and calling him all night,” Hakyeon states.

“You can have him back. I have to go. My manager is waiting for me,” the younger says.

“Tell Inguk I say hello,” the elder says.

          Sanghyuk nods before heading back to the elevator. He presses the down arrow button. He feels like he is take a photo-shoot. He feels stuffy and suffocating. He takes deep breaths and straightens his jacket. He exits the elevator with a smile plastered on his face. He makes his way to his manager. Inguk waves at him to come over to him. He weaves his way through the crowd until he gets to Inguk.

“Sanghyuk this is one of the designers at MCM,” Inguk says.

“Hello, I’m Sanghyuk Han,” he says.

          By the end of the night, Sanghyuk gains a full schedule for the month of December. He dreads going overseas on the holidays, but he didn’t sign up for vacation days. He sighs as he bids Inguk goodnight. The elder male pats his shoulder and tells him to wake up at three so they can head to Japan by five- thirty. Sanghyuk sets his alarm before washing up.

          He turns on the hot water before stepping into the shower. He lets the water drip down his body. He groans and washes his body. He washes away the hairspray and makeup. The hot water washes away the event of today’s runway show. It takes the lust of the women that was all over him. He dries up and changes into a tank top and shorts. He lays there for a few minutes before checking his phone. There’s a message from Leo telling him that JB was taken to the hospital. He calls Leo immediately.

“Hello,” Leo answers.

“How is he?” he asks.

“He’s on suicide watch until further notice. He tried to jump, but a police officer saved him. He almost fell off his balcony. He slipped. I’m going to see him tomorrow,” the elder male explains.

“Poor kid, I wish I could go see him. He needs someone to be there for him,” he says softly.

“I take it you are going out of the country tomorrow?” Leo asks.

“Yeah I have to go to Japan. I have to get up at three in the morning. I will see you when I get back,” says Sanghyuk.

“Good night Hyuk,” Leo says softly.

          Sanghyuk hangs up the phone and plugs it into the charger. He plans on getting some sleep, but it might not happen. He doesn’t know why he is so worried about JB. JB’s just another kid that works in the same company as him. He often sees him. Sometimes they share a shoot together, other times they eat lunch or dinner with the company. He tends to not talk to anyone else unless he has too.

          He shakes his head and closes his eyes. He’s worn out and tired, but doesn’t have time to take a break. His month is filled with shows and shoots back to back. He sighs and pulls the blankets over his head. He tosses and turns for several hours before actually sleeping. He’s rudely awaken by his alarm and groans in frustration. He wishes Leo never told him about the kid. He knows that Leo only told him out of concern and nosy reporters. He throws the blanket away from him and packs his belongings. Inguk calls him to make sure that he’s awake and ready to leave. They leave the hotel and head towards the airport.

          Inguk informs him about Jaebum and tells him that if anyone asks about JB to tell them that they talked and that JB’s fine. Sanghyuk nodded his head as he sinks into his car seat. It takes them thirty minutes to get to the airport. It takes another thirty to get checked in and luggage settled. He settles into his seat and waits for the plane to take off. Between taking off and landing, he’s fallen asleep. Inguk wakes him up after they have landed. After landing and the drive to the hotel, Sanghyuk is tired. He has three hours before he has to walk the show. He spends those hours sleeping. His manager tells him that he’ll be back later. The younger male groans as a response.

          The brunette male dreams of JB falling off his balcony. He tries to help the blonde boy, but JB never hears him. He hopes that none of this is real. He does not want to be a witness to something like that. Sanghyuk wakes up and is in his hotel room in Japan. He manages to not throw up at the idea of JB’s guts on the ground. He goes back to sleep because he still has time before the show. This time he doesn’t dream.

          Sanghyuk slips on the pants the coordinator hands him. He buttons and zips his pants. The pants sit tightly on his hips, tight enough to leave imprints on his waistline. The pants wrap tightly around his thighs. He pulls on the shirt he is given. He lines up with the rest of the models. The designer makes last minute adjustments on the models. He takes a few deep breathes before walking onto the runway.

          Another after party, Sanghyuk has to attend. He plasters on another fake smile and drinks beverages that burn his throat. His schedule is filled up for another month. He goes back to his hotel room and packs his luggage. Instead of going to sleep early, he pulls out his phone and opens the contacts button. His thumb is hovering over JB’s name. He hesitates before dialing his number.

“Hello,” Sanghyuk says.

“Hyuk, how are you?” JB asks.

“Busy, but that’s not important right now. How are you? Are you getting help?” he questions.

“I don’t need help,” the younger male says sternly. 

“Jaebum,” Hyuk says softly.

“I’m hanging up,” JB says.

          The line goes dead. Sanghyuk groans and tosses his phone on the other side of the bed. A knock on the door interrupts him. He gets off the bed and opens the door. Inguk is standing there with bags of food. He lets him in, and they eat in silence. Sanghyuk is not the one to have company over for dinner. He is used to eating alone in his apartment. The elder male asks him questions here and there, but never anything important. Most of the time Inguk tells him about his schedule for the next few days.

“Tomorrow, you have a photo shoot. The photographer requested you. He is a new photographer. I can’t really say I’ve heard of him or seen his work,” Inguk says.

“Then why am I going to do a shoot, if no one really knows of his work?” Hyuk asks.

“The boss wants you to do it and plus he requested that he wanted to take photos of you,” the elder male states.

          The brunette grabs his takeout box and dumps it into the trash. He’s not hungry anymore. Inguk tells him that they are leaving in two hours to make the plan back to Seoul. The younger male nods his head. He watches his manager leave his hotel room. Sanghyuk heads to the bathroom to wash up. He changes into something nicer that jeans and a shirt He meets Inguk in the lobby with his luggage. The airplane ride is a little bumpy due to the storm. Hyuk clutches the arm rest tightly and as they go through turbulence. He doesn’t sleep this time. He is wide awake and waiting to touch down on familiar soil.

          Once they touch down, Inguk rushes him to luggage claim and then rushes him out of the airport. His manager personally drives him back to his apartment. Hyuk grabs his luggage and heads inside the lobby of his apartment complex. He still remembers that the elevator still does not work. He takes the stairs and carries his luggage. He doesn’t mind it though. Climbing the stairs every day doesn’t bother him at all. It gives him time to clear his mind. He fishes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks his door. He notices boxes outside the next door neighbor’s door.

“Are you the one living in that one?” a voice asks.

“Yeah, I was on a business trip,” Sanghyuk says.

“I’m Hongbin. I just moved here, a few days ago,” Hongbin explains.

“Hyuk,” the younger introduces.

“Nice to meet you,” the other male says.

“Same to you,” Hyuk says.

          Hyuk watches the other male leave his apartment and goes down the stairs. He enters his apartment and turns on the lights. Everything is exactly where he left it. He kicks off his shoes and walks throughout his apartment. It’s cold and lonely. There is nothing personal around his apartment. There is no pictures or posters. There is only furniture and appliances. His refrigerator is empty and needs restocking. He has to go to the grocery store later. His bed is in the same state he left it in when he left. He sighs and heads back out. He grabs an umbrella and slips his shoes back on. He walks down the stairs again and to the grocery store.

          The grocery store is only a block away from his apartment complex. He walks slowly. He doesn’t know what he needs to buy, but he needs something. He enters the grocery store and walks through the aisles. He grabs a box of cereal and milk. He doesn’t cook so he doesn’t buy anything he can cook. He thinks cereal and milk is enough. He goes to the check-out line.

“Is that all you are going to buy?” Hongbin asks.

“I don’t need a lot,” he replies.

“You should eat more. You are already skinny,” says Hongbin.

          Sanghyuk takes his comment into consideration for a few seconds then shakes his head. He’s not skinny at all. He’s seen skinnier. He’s seen unhealthy. He’s seen eating disorders and knows what they can do to a person. A model should be skinny or how else are they going to fit in the clothes. He nods at Hongbin and pays for his cereal and milk. Hongbin suggests that they walk back to the apartment complex together. He tells him that it’s not a good idea. Hongbin asks why. Hyuk has no answer for the other male.

“So tell me how old you are?” Hongbin asks.

“I’m twenty,” Hyuk answers.

“You’re a baby still. I’m older than you,” the elder says.

“How old are you?” Sanghyuk questions.

“Old enough,” the shorter male says.

“What kind of job do you do?” the younger asks.

“Free-lance. What about you?” Hongbin questions.

“No comment,” Sanghyuk states.

“Why no comment?” the elder asks.

“Why are you asking so many questions?” the taller questions.

          Hongbin never answers him. Hyuk is perfectly fine not talking about himself. He doesn’t want to talk about himself. He never wants to talk about himself to anyone. Hongbin asks him if he wanted to come over to dinner. He tells him no, that he already ate. Hongbin raises his eyebrow and says maybe some other time then. Sanghyuk bids him good night and goes into his apartment. He puts the cereal on the counter and the milk inside the refrigerator. His phone rings.

“Hello,’ he answers.

“Are you busy?” Ken asks.

“Yes, I’m going to sleep,” he says.

“I’m going to the club, and Leo can’t to go,” says Ken.

“What makes you think that I want to go?” the younger asks.

“You always like clubs,” answers the elder.

“No, I’m hanging up,” Hyuk states.

          Hyuk feels bad for hanging up, but not for long. Ken knows that he doesn’t like clubs. He knows that he doesn’t want to go with him, yet he still asks. Ken tries to include him in things like, but Sanghyuk declines his invite every time. Sanghyuk knows that he should go. He knows that it would make Ken happy. Sanghyuk calls him back and asks if he can pick him up. Ken tells him that he’ll pick him up at nine which gives him half an hour to get ready. He hangs up the phone and takes a shower. He washes up and puts on nice clothes. He pulls on black skinny jeans that doesn’t sit too tight on his waist. He grabs a white tee shirt and his black leather jacket. He slips on a pair of boots before Ken calls him and tells him to come down.

          Ken’s car is sitting in front of the apartment complex. Hyuk opens the car door and sits in the front seat. Ken smiles at him and tells him to put his seat belt on. They drive to the club. It’s a club that Ken goes to often. Sanghyuk went twice with him to this club. The bouncer asks to see their identification before letting them in. The music is blaring and loud. Sanghyuk remembers why he hates clubs. The smell of sweat and lust in the air. He can briefly smell alcohol as well. They head to a booth in the back of the club. Sanghyuk sits down while Ken runs off to dance. He spots Wonshik at the DJ’s booth. He spies a few other models that he’s worked with before.

“Would you like a drink?” a voice shouts.

“No, I’m good. Thank you though,” Sanghyuk says.

          The guy leaves his table and goes to the bar. Hyuk looks around and realizes how lonely he feels. He sees everyone having fun, but he’s not. He wants to go home and sleep. He spots Ken whispering into some lady’s ear. Sanghyuk has never felt this lonely before. He goes through the motions of day to day things, so he never has time to realize it. He wonders if Leo or Jaebum has ever felt this way. He heads to the restroom and splashes water on his face. He dries his face off. The same guy from before comes in after him.

“Hey pretty boy. You’re Sanghyuk the model right?” he asks.

          Hyuk doesn’t answer him. He tries to leave, but the guy grabs his arm. He pulls in into a stall. Sanghyuk pushes and tugs his arm out of his grasp. He pushes the guy, but the guy grips his arm hard. Sanghyuk feels tears threatening to come out. He forces them to hold off until he gets out of the man’s grasp. He kicks the guy in the shin and the guy lets go of his arm. He could feel the tears fall down his cheeks. He leaves the restroom and leaves the club. He sits on the wet curb. He slips his phone out of his pocket and calls someone.

“Hello?” Leo asks.

“Can you come pick me up? I’m at the club with Ken. This guy tried to,” he says.

“I can’t make it, but I can send someone to come get you. I’m sorry,” says the elder.

“Where are you at?” Hyuk asks.

“I’m at a shoot and I can’t leave. I’ll have someone pick you up. Wait there okay,” Leo states.

“Okay,” Sanghyuk whispers.

          Sanghyuk sits on the curb and waits for the person that Leo has sent. A car pulls up and Inguk comes out of the car. He walks towards Sanghyuk and ushers him into the car. Inguk tries to talk to him, but Hyuk turns the radio up louder. Inguk turns the radio off.

“Hyuk, do I need to make an appointment?” Inguk asks.

“No, just take me home. I want to go home,” Hyuk insists.

“Okay,” the elder says.

          Inguk takes him home. Hyuk watches Inguk’s car take off. He walks up the stairs until he gets to his apartment. He fishes his keys out of his pants pocket and struggles to get the key in the key lock. He fumbles around with his key and finally opens his door. He enters his apartment and closes the door behind him. He takes his jacket off and tosses it on the back of the couch. There’s a bruise on his arm. He sighs. He gets ready for bed. Sleep comes off and on to him. He tosses and turns. He sleeps for maybe a few hours before his alarm goes off. He groans and throws the blankets off him. He pads to the bathroom and takes a shower. Inguk calls him and tells him that he is waiting for him.

          He rushes down the stairs and gets into Inguk’s car. They drive to the photo-shoot site. They make it on time and Sanghyuk is rushed to the back to get hair and makeup done. The makeup artist asks about the bruise on his arm, and he has no answer to give her. She covers the bruise up with makeup. He sits in the chair for a few hours before the shoot actually happens. His hair and makeup is kept natural and this clothes are simple. He walks out of the back room and meets the photographer.

“Hongbin,” Sanghyuk says.

“Hyuk!” Hongbin says excitedly.

“You are the photographer?” the younger asks.

“I said I did free-lance,” Hongbin says.

“I’m sorry about last night. I was tired,” Hyuk states.

          Hongbin tells him to get ready for his photos. The younger male is ushered to makeup and hair. The shoot goes smoothly. A few female models are added in later, and Sanghyuk doesn’t really know how to model with them. Hongbin stops the shoot for a few minutes. He pulls the younger male aside and tells him he needs to get his act together. Sanghyuk nods his head and takes a deep breathe. He inhales and exhales. The elder male tells him to act more normal. The shoot ran a bit smoother after that.

          After the photoshoot, Inguk tells Sanghyuk that JB was having visiting hours in a little bit. Sanghyuk asks the elder male if he go see him. Inguk tells him that JB would be happy to see him. Sanghyuk doesn’t think so, but he nods anyway. The younger male goes to the dressing room to change. He takes off his button up shirt and jeans, which sit too tight on his waist. He puts on his own clothes and shoes. He tells everyone thank you and tells them goodbye. He tells Hongbin goodbye. He walks to Inguk’s car and waits. The elder male walks out a few minutes later. They get into the car and Inguk drives to the hospital.

 They arrive at the hospital. Inguk asks the nurses if they won’t tell the reporters. They agree in return for a signature. The two males take the elevator to JB’s room. Sanghyuk knocks before entering. JB is lying in bed, curled into a little ball. Hyuk sits in the chair beside the bed. “JB,” Hyuk says.

JB doesn’t speak back. Hyuk figures that he’s still mad at him for the other day. Hyuk sighs and tells him about his night last night. He tells the younger about the guy in the bathroom at the club. He talks about the bruise on his arm. JB doesn’t speak back. And Hyuk doesn’t know why he’s talking to JB about this. Maybe because he wants someone to talk to him on the days that he feels down. A nurse comes in and tells him that visiting hours are over. Sanghyuk tells JB that he’ll see him later. He leaves the room and Inguk is on the phone. He walks over to the elder male. When Inguk hangs up the phone, he tells Hyuk that he made an appointment with Hyuk’s therapist for him.

“I didn’t want an appointment,” Hyuk says.

“The boss told me to make sure you get one,” Inguk states.

“I’m fine,” the model says.

“Sanghyuk, he just wants to make sure,” the elder says.

“Make sure? Make sure that I won’t kill myself? Make sure that I’m capable of work? Make sure that my mind is filled with nothing? Make sure that I won’t end up dead?” Sanghyuk ask.

“Hyuk let’s go okay. I’ll take you home,” Inguk says.

          Sanghyuk follows the elder male to the elevator and then to the car. The ride is silent even the radio doesn’t play. Inguk asks him if he’s taking his medicine, but Hyuk doesn’t answer him. The elder asks him again, but the younger doesn’t answer. Inguk doesn’t ask a third time. When they arrive at Sanghyuk’s apartment, the younger jets out of the car and heads to the elevator. He knows that Inguk is just worried about him. He’s fine and doesn’t need to depend on medicine to keep him alive. He’s been doing great without them so far.

          Once he steps out of the elevator, Hongbin is leaving his apartment. The elder male greets him. Hyuk nods his head. Hongbin asks him if he just now getting back. Sanghyuk nods his head. The elder asks him how his arm doing. Hyuk tells him that it’s fine. When Hongbin asks how he got the bruise, he doesn’t answer back. Instead he walks to his apartment door and unlocks it. He goes inside and takes his shoes off. He shimmies off his jacket and walks to the bathroom.

 He opens the medicine cabinet. There’s a bottle of prescribed pills. It’s full. Sanghyuk can’t remember the last time he’s actually took them and really needed them. He picks them up and looks at them. He sets them back in the cabinet and closes it. He turns on the cold water in the shower and strips off his clothes. He steps into the shower and doesn’t think about the cold. His mind swims in thoughts that he hasn’t thought about in a while. Maybe he’s just as lonely as JB is. Maybe he should quit while he still can. Maybe he shouldn’t go to the appointment. He doesn’t think that he’s bad anymore. He turns off the water and dries up. He walks to his bedroom and puts on clothes. He lays on the bed and stares at the ceiling.

He hears his phone ring, but he doesn’t make the effort to move. He hears if ring for the next ten minutes. He groans and gets out of bed. He finds his phone in the living room. Three missed calls all from Inguk and a message from Ken asking him where he went last night. He calls Inguk back. The elder male tells him about his schedule for tomorrow. He has his appointment, fitting and then a shoot. Sanghyuk knows that the appointment is going to drain him. He sighs and decides to take a walk. He slips his shoes on and a jacket. He locks his door and Hongbin is walking down the hall, towards him. The elder male greets him. Hyuk tells him hello.

“Do you want to grab dinner with me?” Hongbin asks.

“Yeah,” Hyuk agrees.

“Let me grab some things and then we’ll go. You can come inside,” Hongbin states.

          Hongbin unlocks his door and lets the younger male in. There’s pictures hanging on the walls. Hongbin’s place feels homey. Sanghyuk feels warm for once. His place feels empty compared to Hongbin’s. He walks around the living room and looks at the pictures. There’s a picture of Hongbin and a woman, both smiling brightly. The elder male comes out of another room with a different set of clothes on.

“Do you like them, the pictures?” Hongbin questions.

“Yeah, they’re really good,” Hyuk answers.

          Hongbin smiles, and Hyuk sees the elder’s dimples that adorn his cheeks. The ravenette tells him about a restaurant not far from here. Hyuk listens to Hongbin talk about photography. The elder male’s eyes light up when he talks. They walk to the place and is seated in the back in a booth. Hyuk looks at the menu. The only thing he can eat is the salad. Everything else doesn’t fit into his diet plans. Before he gets to order, Hongbin tells the waitress to make two of what he’s having. Hyuk is not happy. The elder takes the menu away from him and hands it to the waitress.

“Why did you do that?” Sanghyuk asks.

“Because you need to eat. You are skinny,” the elder says.

“I have to be. It’s my job,” Hyuk states.

“No, your job is to wear the clothes and make them sell,” Hongbin says.

“In order to do that, I have to be skinny,” the brunette says.

          Hyuk doesn’t say much after that. The ravenette tells him that he’s sorry. Sanghyuk tells him that he’s not hungry anymore. Hongbin makes him eat at least a few bites before they leave. Hongbin pays the bill. They walk back to the apartments. The elder asks him about grabbing a coffee next time. Hyuk is hesitant on answering. He unlocks his door and finds his phone where he left it. He looks at it and there’s several messages from Inguk, reminding him of his appointment at eight in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh yeah, I wanted some Hongbin and Hyuk fic, so I wrote one....


	6. Earned It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon takes Yoongi to a club for his birthday, in which he gets a lap dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not finished because I am innocent in what happens during said lap dance.

        Yoongi hates Namjoon right now. He absolutely hates the younger male. He hates the fact that Namjoon dragged him out for his birthday. He didn’t even want to celebrate his birthday. He especially didn’t want to be dragged out to some club on a Saturday night. He could be at home, working on a new track. But no, Namjoon had other plans.

          So here he is at a club named Paradise Lost on a Saturday night with Namjoon and Seokjin. He mumbles curse words to Namjoon, but the younger is dense and doesn’t catch on. The younger male pays for them to get in. The bouncer stamps Yoongi’s hand and lets him in. Seokjin drags him to the bar and orders around of shots. They lost track of Namjoon once the stepped inside the club. (The club is fancy as fuck, Yoongi thinks.) The two of them find an empty booth.

The music is mellow and chill. It’s not like the clubs he’s performed at before. Seokjin idly talks while Yoongi takes in his surroundings. He’s not new to these kinds of clubs, but he’s not used to it either. “Yoongi, happy birthday,” Seokjin says. Yoongi nods his head. “I got you something,” Seokjin says as he digs in his jacket pocket. The elder male pulls out a small box and hands it to Yoongi. “You didn’t have to Seokjin. You really didn’t,” Yoongi says. “I wanted to Yoongi. You have to understand that, that some people want to,” Seokjin says softly. Yoongi unties the blue ribbon and opens the box. It’s a pair of earrings, the ones he has on his wish list. “Thank you,” he says. Seokjin smiles and ruffles his hair. The waiter comes with drinks. The two of them raise their glasses for a toast, but Namjoon interrupts them. The younger male slides into the seat by Seokjin. Namjoon takes a glass and goes in for a toast. “Happy Birthday!” Namjoon exclaims. Yoongi drinks the shot and lets it burn down his throat.

 “I bought you a lap dance from the most popular dancer here,” Namjoon states.

“What?” Yoongi asks.

“You, birthday boy, has a private session with a dancer at ten. Someone should come by and take you to the room,” Namjoon explains.

          Yoongi scowls at the younger male. The younger male tells him to have fun and loosen up. Seokjin tells him that you’re only younger for so long before he has to settle down. Yoongi tells Seokjin to not choose sides. At this point, Yoongi wishes he would have told Namjoon to bug off while he works. He hates the younger male even more. Another round of shots comes and Yoongi downs the shot faster than the last one. He looks at his watch and it is five minutes to ten.

A waitress comes walking their way. She tells Yoongi to follow her. Namjoon tells him to have fun. He flips the younger male the middle finger before following the lady. He’s taken to the back rooms where the private rooms are. The lady opens the door to room number ten. He enters the room and no one else is in there. He takes in the way the room looks. There’s a bed in the middle of the room, against the wall, an armchair in the corner of the room, a night table beside the bed, and a standing lamp in another corner.

A knock on the door interrupts his thoughts. Yoongi voices out a ‘come in’. The door opens and a guy walks in. He looks young, Yoongi thinks. The kid’s hair is bright red and wavy. He has a baby face, chubby cheeks included. The kid has a stupid party hat on his head. “Yoongi?” the kid asks. “Yeah, that’s me,” he says. The kid had a voice that makes Yoongi believe that he’s still young. He wants to tell the kid that minors aren’t allowed to be working at places like this. He doesn’t though. The kid looks nervous, and Yoongi wonders if the red head is the most popular dancer. “Have you done this before kid?” Yoongi asks. The kid looks at him with wild eyes. He raises an eyebrow at the red head. “I have,” the kid says.

Yoongi makes his way to the armchair and sits down. He wants to ask the kid questions instead of getting a lap dance. “Kid, are you sure you’re supposed to be here?” Yoongi questions. “I’m legal if that’s what you’re asking,” the kid says. Yoongi scoffs, but still has his eyes on the kid. The red head locks the door and saunters towards him. Yoongi notices how thick the kid’s thighs are. “Do I look good to you?” the kids asks. Yoongi doesn’t answer. The red head stops right in front of Yoongi.

“How about you take off that stupid party hat?” Yoongi suggests.

          The kid does. The party hats gets tossed aside and forgotten. “I can take more off, if you want birthday boy,” the kid states. Yoongi stares at the other male. He smirks and thinks about the suggestion.

“What’s your name because you obviously know mine?” Yoongi questions. “Jimin,” the kid says.

“Jimin,” Yoongi repeats.

“Mmm, I like the way you say my name,” Jimin says.


	7. 혼자가 싫어요

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [You're not the only lonely person. I'm lonely too.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wanted to finish this, but never got around to it...

            It’s Monday night, and Seungyoon has another party to attend to, which means being groped by men and women. He hates it more than the party itself. He puts his suit jacket on and heads out the hotel room. He has exactly thirty minutes before his manager comes to pick him up. He goes downstairs, to the bar. He sits at the bar on a barstool away from the bartender. The bar is empty except for him and the bartender.

            It’s as empty and lonely as he is. Work has been piling up and it’s nothing but stress from him. (It’s not that he doesn’t like being a singer. It’s just he’s tired of repetition.) He sits there and pulls out his phone. He sets it on the bar and unlocks it, not really messing with it. He hates being lonely. It seeps through his skin and settles in his bones. It’s an empty, hollowed out feeling, more like mood because it settles behind his ribcage and stays there.

“The bar isn’t open for another thirty minutes,” the bartender says.

“Sorry, I didn’t know,” he states.

“You can stay. I’m not forcing you to leave. I’m just not serving drinks,” the bartender replies.

“I’m not staying for long,” Seungyoon says.

“So what’s a person like you doing in a place like this?” the bartender questions.

“A person like me?” he asks.

“You obviously don’t drink often judging by the way you don’t even know what time the bar opens. You aren’t from around here either because we look similar. I would have heard about you from others,” the bartender states.

“I-um…” he stutters.

            He really doesn’t have anything to say. He looks at the bartender and they do have some similarities. Their eyes are different. While he has more of puppy eyes, the bartender has more of feline eyes. Their lips are similar as well. Seungyoon’s phone vibrates. It’s a message from his manager, telling him to go to the lobby.

“I have to go,” he stutters.

            The bartender gives him a slight nod. He stuffs his phone into his pocket and leaves the bar. He enters the lobby and his manager is standing there checking his phone. Seungyoon hurries up. He follows his manager out to the car. He climbs in the backseat and puts his seatbelt on. On the drive there, he stares out the window and watches the city fly by. The lights look like one continuous string of lights. He feels the loneliness resonate through every inch of his body. It settles in his lungs, constricting his breath, forcing him to take deep breathes. He’s not ready for tonight. (He’s not even sure why he’s going honestly. This party has nothing to do with him.) His manager tells him to behave like he’s some sort of little kid. The car stops and they are at the party. He rolls his eyes. He’s not some child. He unbuckles and opens his door. He puts on a fakes smile and steps out of the car.

            Cameras are everywhere, taking pictures. The party is flashy and everything expected for a rich person’s party. There’s champagne being served as well as hor d’oeurves. He declines any offer of alcohol for a while. He greets people that he doesn’t even know and is introduced to people that he probably won’t see again.

There’s so many people and he feels stuffy. He needs some fresh air. He makes his way past everyone and back to the entrance. He’s not sure where his manager went, but it really doesn’t matter. He grabs his phone and shuts it off. (He’s going to be in so much trouble when his manager finds out, if his manager finds out.) He hails a taxi, thanking a greater deity that he brought his wallet with him. He tells the driver the address of the hotel.  He leans his head on the window and lets the cool glass cool him down. He unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt. He sighs heavily.

Once he reaches the hotel, he goes back to the bar. He doesn’t plan on drinking tonight. The bartender is serving drinks now. He sits in the same seat as he was earlier. He doesn’t order a drink, but just watches the bartender shuffle around, mixing drinks.

“You’re back?” the bartender asks.

“Uh yeah. It got too much for me,” he answers.

“Would you like something to drink?” the bartender asks.

“Water please,” Seungyoon answers.

            Seungyoon studies the bartender, giving the other male a glance over. The bartender turns around and hands him his glass of water. “Jiho,” the bartender says. Seungyoon freezes. He wasn’t even asking for the other male’s name, but he guesses that Jiho must took it the wrong way. “I wasn’t- I wasn’t staring at you,” Seungyoon sputters out. Jiho hums as a response and then goes back to working. He takes a sip of his water and pulls out his phone. He turns it back on. There are no new messages, which means his manager is probably drinking. He sets his phone on the table and takes another sip of his water.

“So what’s your name kid?” Jiho asks.

“Seungyoon,” he answers.

“Why come back if you are just getting water?” the other male asks.

            Seungyoon’s not quite sure why he did come back. He does know that being stuck in his room would be boring, it would make him feel even worse. He just wants someone to talk to, someone that doesn’t know that he’s famous. “Am I that good looking? I’m not into one night stands,” Jiho says. Seungyoon coughs. He wasn’t looking for a one night stand. He doesn’t know what the other male is talking about. But then again he’s the one that came back.

“Sorry, you look like you had a bad night,” the other male says.

“It wasn’t bad, it’s just I didn’t want to be there. I had no reason to be there,” he replies.

“You should get a drink, that’s not water,” Jiho states.

“I’m fine,” Seungyoon answers.

“If you say so,” the brunette says.

            Jiho goes back to making drinks for other customers. Seungyoon takes another sip of his water. He should get back to his room. He looks at his phone and it’s not even ten in the evening.


	8. Sungcheol's Guide To Loving Jihoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The poem part of Sungcheol's Guide To Loving Jihoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one goes hand in hand with a previous work. Disclaimer: this in no way a any type of cure for mental disorders.

  1. _Write on post it notes telling him that he's enough. Leave them in places that he will read them._
  2. _If he doesn't read them then tell him over and over again until he believes it._
  3. _Take him by the hand and gently guide him out of bed._
  4. _Go out on a walk and take in the scenery and fresh air._
  5. _Tell him that he'll miss this if he leaves._
  6. _Hand him a piece of paper and pen and tell him to write down everything he hates about himself._
  7. _Make sure he rips it up and lets it blow in the wind. Ask him how he feels._
  8. _Listen to him. It can take minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and even years, but listen to him talk._
  9. _Never rush him. It takes time and patience._
  10. _Give him a back massage, he's been though hell and back._
  11. _Tell him that he's made of stardust, the universe created him from every single constellation. Stars live a long time so why shouldn't he._
  12. _Take him to the park at night and watch the stars together._
  13. _Let him know that you love him. Kiss him gently._
  14. _Tell him that he was once a star that shined brightly as well._
  15. _Lead him to the roof of your apartment, at night. Star gaze._
  16. _Find the Sirius._
  17. _Label it._
  18. _Make it say: this is you, the brightest star in my life._




	9. see? nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gunhee's mother taught him this trick, that if he repeats something over and over again that it loses its meaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something I wrote in a journal a few months back, but never going to finish. Inspired by Phil Kaye's poem called Repetition

     When Gunhee was little, his mother taught him a trick, that if he repeats something over and over again that it loses its meaning. He does this with simple things such as homework. He would repeat those words until it had no meaning. (Homework, homework, homework, homework, nothing.) It made it easier for him to do things. It made it easier for him to make friends. It made the sting of words hurt less. He would repeat words until it held no meaning to him. 

    At the age of seven, his parents separated. (He was alone now. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. See? Nothing.) He was sent to his cousin's house where family meant more than repeated words. He imagined his parents’ argument had too many repeated words of I love you and that it no longer meant anything. (Family. Family. Family. Family. Family. See? Nothing.) Upon Gunhee’s return there was a coldness to the house and the warmth is gone. He learned this trick that if you repeat something over and over again that it loses its meaning. This became his favourite game. It was a way for him to ease the pain. It made the sting of words evaporate. (Separation. Separation. Separation.  Separation. See? Nothing.) Words no longer holds meaning to him. 


End file.
